How to stop people pleasing and start saying what you mean

Saying yes when you want to say no. Agreeing to plans you would rather avoid. Apologising when you've done nothing wrong. For many people, keeping others happy becomes so automatic that it can be difficult to notice it's happening at all.

Understanding when and why you put other people's needs ahead of your own can be a useful first step when learning how to stop people pleasing.

What is people pleasing?

People pleasing is a pattern of putting other people's needs, feelings and approval ahead of your own. From the outside, it can look like being helpful, agreeable or flexible. Underneath, there may be worry about upsetting someone, being judged, being rejected or causing conflict.

People pleasing often comes at a personal cost. You may over-extend yourself, take on more than you have time or energy for, or miss out on things you would like to do because you are focused on keeping other people happy.

Signs you might be a people pleaser

You might recognise some of these patterns:

• finding it difficult to say no, even when you are already stretched

• agreeing with others to avoid disagreement

• apologising often, including when you have done nothing wrong

• feeling responsible for other people's emotions

• over-explaining or justifying your decisions

• worrying when someone is disappointed or unhappy with you

• changing your preferences depending on who you are with

• putting your own needs last, then feeling resentful or exhausted

People pleasing can look different from person to person, and you may notice these patterns more strongly in some relationships or situations than others.

Why do people become people pleasers?

There is no single reason someone becomes a people pleaser. For some, the pattern begins early. If being agreeable reduced conflict at home, or approval seemed to depend on being helpful, compliant or easy-going, learning to accommodate other people may have made sense at the time.

People pleasing can also develop when someone finds it difficult to be assertive. Saying what you want, disagreeing with someone or saying no can feel uncomfortable, particularly if you are worried about upsetting someone or being judged or rejected. Agreeing or going along with what someone else wants can feel easier in the moment.

Perfectionism can also contribute. You may feel that you should always be helpful, available or reliable, or worry that disappointing someone means you have done something wrong. This can create pressure to meet other people's expectations, even when doing so comes at a cost to you.

For people who have experienced difficult or unpredictable relationships, conflict can feel particularly uncomfortable. Agreeing, apologising or keeping the peace may become an automatic response when tension arises.

The cost of always putting others first

In the short term, people pleasing can feel like the easier option. Agreeing with someone or saying yes can help you avoid conflict and the discomfort that comes with disappointing someone.

Over time, constantly putting other people's needs first can leave you feeling exhausted or resentful. You may take on too much, have less time for the things that matter to you, or find yourself doing more and more for others while your own needs are pushed aside.

How to stop people pleasing

Changing a long-standing pattern can take time. The aim is not to stop caring about other people, but to consider your own needs and preferences as well.

Becoming more assertive can be an important part of reducing people pleasing. Assertiveness means being able to express what you think, want or need clearly and respectfully, even when someone else may disagree or be disappointed.

Strategies that may help include:

• Notice the pattern. Pay attention to the times when you agree automatically. What were you worried might happen if you said no?

• Pause before answering. You do not need to respond immediately. Saying, "Let me check and get back to you" gives you time to think about whether you actually want to say yes.

• Start small. Try being more direct in situations that feel easier to manage, such as declining an extra task or expressing a preference.

• Keep your answer simple. A clear response is often enough. You do not always need to explain or justify your decision.

• Expect some discomfort. Saying no may feel uncomfortable at first, particularly if you're used to avoiding disappointment or conflict.

• Allow other people to have their reaction. Someone being disappointed does not necessarily mean you have done something wrong.

• Give yourself time. Responding differently may feel unfamiliar at first. It can become easier as you become more comfortable expressing what you want and need.

Setting boundaries

Boundaries help you decide what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to take on. This might mean saying no to extra work, protecting your time, deciding when you are available to others or being clear about how you want to be treated.

Knowing your values helps when setting boundaries. When you are clear about what matters, it can be easier to decide where you want to spend your time and energy, what you want to prioritise and when you need to say no.

For example, you might value being supportive of the people you care about, while also valuing time with your family, looking after yourself or having time for your own interests. Setting a boundary does not mean that you no longer care about other people. Sometimes it means recognising that saying yes to one thing leaves less time or energy for something else that is also important to you.

If you are used to people pleasing, it can help to think about boundaries differently. Rather than only asking, "Will this person be upset if I say no?", you can also ask, "Does saying yes fit with what matters to me?"

When therapy may help

If people pleasing is affecting your relationships, work or how you feel about yourself, therapy may help. It can help you understand what is behind the pattern and find different ways to express your needs, set boundaries and respond to concerns about disappointing others.

Approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help you recognise thoughts and feelings about disapproval or conflict without allowing them to determine what you do. ACT also focuses on identifying your values and making choices that are consistent with what matters to you.

Our psychologists and counsellors work with adolescents and adults across Sydney and the Sutherland Shire, in person and online.

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Vanessa Allen is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker, psychotherapist and clinical supervisor with over 18 years’ experience. She is a Credentialed Eating Disorder Clinician (ANZAED), EMDR therapist and RO-DBT practitioner, and founder of Evolving Minds Counselling and Psychology in the Sutherland Shire.